lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize