I could have mohawked her pubes.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
