My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
