took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
