I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
