Don't make out with my wife yet
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
