Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
