apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
