ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
