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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
