We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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