you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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