I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
