Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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