i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
