her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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