I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm jealous of your bromance
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
