New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
