I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
