I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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