so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
