I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
