I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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