I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
