She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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