Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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