Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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