i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
