drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
