she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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