ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
