In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
