At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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