We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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