I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
