I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
