i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
