i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
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