New invention idea: vibrating tampons
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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