Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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