btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
