i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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