I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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