I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
