I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
