Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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