Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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