Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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