Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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