Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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